


Of Monsters and Moons

by completelyboggled



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Boys Being Boys, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Teenage Awkwardness, lycanthropy, mild graphic descriptions, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2020-07-23
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:20:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25470769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/completelyboggled/pseuds/completelyboggled
Summary: Feeling isolated, making friends, developing crushes, surviving heartbreak. Growing up can be a difficult journey for any young wizard. For Remus Lupin, Lycanthropy only complicates things. Fortunately, he has his best friends there to help him through his worst days.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19





	Of Monsters and Moons

Second Year

February 18, 1973

It is not unexpected for children to fear monsters of the night. Therefore, it would not be unexpected for a child to feel much turmoil if, every so often, they unwillingly transformed into one themselves. It would be natural for them to cry and fret. Natural to be afraid as they were pulled away from the world, lost in the terrors of darkness.

Once a month for over half his lifetime, this was the unfortunate fate of young Remus Lupin. Under the full moon, a werewolf would awaken inside him and no matter how hard he kicked or screamed or pleaded, the monster would always force its way to the surface.

It was traumatic for the boy, especially once he'd started schooling at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and was forced to handle his affliction in solitude. During his first full mooned night, the first night he had been sent (or banished, as it seemed to him,) by himself to a decrepit building off school grounds, he had cried until his throat was raw and he could not speak for days.

Now, in his second year, Remus had learned to keep his emotions better hidden. He no longer kicked or screamed and could usually remain composed until he arrived at the shack; however, there were still times every few months when, the day before the full moon, he couldn't temper the overwhelming anxiety. On this particular night, it happened in his dormitory while his three roommates and best friends were in the Great Hall eating the dinner he would not have been able to stomach.

The dread he knew too well had filled him- the suffocating kind that comes when one wishes with every fiber of their being to avoid something, but knows it will come regardless. It felt heavy in his body and made his own skin feel unbearably misfitted. His eyes were wet as he bit his lip, trying to stifle his whimpers. His right hand was in his shirt collar, digging fingernails desperately into the flesh surrounding the puckered skin of his left shoulder. He was absolutely helpless to what was to come.

Outside, the dormitory entrance creaked open. Remus straightened immediately, hearing his friends clambering up the stairs to their room.

"I think Marlene is lovely," a meek voice sounded on the other side of the door.

"Then you have her, Pete. ' _Bad hair_.' The _nerve_!"

Remus wiped at his eyes but wasn't quick enough to hide his face before the door swung open in front of Sirius Black.

"If she doesn't love these luscious locks, then she can just-" Sirius’s lighthearted voice faltered upon seeing his upset friend. He frowned.

"Hey, give us a minute," Sirius said over his shoulder before abruptly shutting the door in the faces of the wild haired James Potter, and Peter Pettigrew, the short, pudgy boy. He locked the door behind himself despite their muffled protests.

Sirius cautiously crossed to his crying friend. This was an uncommon sight. Remus was typically the composed, authoritarian of the group, so much so that it had even earned him the loving title of 'Mum'. He was rarely this upset.

"Remus? What's going on?"

Remus gave a hearty, wet sniffle and dragged his robe sleeve beneath his nose. He tried to turn away from Sirius but couldn't seem to escape his questioning look.

"Nothing," he mumbled. "It's just..just my Mum. She's ill and I'll have to go see her tonight..."

The confusion vanished from Sirius's face and a knowing smirk took its place. "Ahh yes. I suppose it _is_ about that time again."

"And just what is that supposed to mean?" Remus frowned.

"Oh nothing," Sirius said airily, taking a seat at the foot of the bed and lounging against a bedpost. He loosened the tie from his neck. "You sure are a good son. If _my_ Mummy Dearest was ill, I'd be dancing through the corridors. But then of course your poor mother is very sick, isn't she? Quite often, too. It's almost like you could predict her sickness," he cast a sideways glance to his friend, "by the cycles of the moon or something."

Remus's stomach clenched. He quickly looked over, trying not to seem as panicked as he felt. Since he was first turned, he’d been told to never let anyone discover his condition. It wasn't exactly appreciated by most of the wizarding world. If other students and their families found out what he was, he was sure to be removed from the school regardless of the Headmaster's generous accommodations.

"What did you say?" Remus whispered.

"Oh Re, you're looking quite pale, yourself! You sure you're not sick as well?" Sirius teased, prodding the Remus's side with his foot.

The question was not well received. In fact, quite affronted, Remus stood, towering above the four-poster.

"I am not _sick_ , Black!" He challenged before he could think better of it. Eyes widening, he cursed himself. Though he was not diseased as some wizards would like to think, he hoped he hadn’t just said too much.

At this, Sirius sobered. "I know you aren't. I know lycanthropy isn't a sickness."

Remus froze. That was it. With one sentence, the life he knew was over. He’d be kicked out and sent home by morning.

“I-I’m not-“ he stammered.

Sirius shrugged. "Look, you know we all care about you, Lupe. We didn't want to say anything- not unless you did first, but I can't sit back and wait for an admission if you're this upset in the meantime. That's just cruel."

"Wait, what?” Remus’s breathed, somewhat lightheaded. “You- you all know. You _all_ know? How?" 

"Come on, mate. We're best friends, aren't we? It doesn't take a genius to realise that your _mysterious_ absences only happen during full moons. Not to mention how exhausted you are after visiting your 'ill mother'."

"You all know," Remus repeated almost to himself as he slumped back down to sit beside Sirius. “And...you don’t think I’m a freak?”

"Hey, it's not a big deal. As long as you don't clog our drains with fur or rip us to shreds in our sleep, you're still the same old Mum to us," Sirius said ruffling Remus's sandy hair.

"Oh stop calling me that. You're older than me, you know." He sighed heavily, mindlessly grabbing at his shoulder.

"It doesn't change anything. I mean, James will most likely take the piss out of you for not telling us sooner, but it'll all be alright."

That was one reason Remus was glad it was Sirius that was first to the door and not James. James probably would have dug into him for crying. He wouldn't have meant any harm, but it still would have stung. Sirius on the other hand, while he could be just as bad as James when it came to his other two friends, he was different around Remus. More gentle.

"So is that what's wrong then?" Sirius asked.

Remus nodded. "I'll have to leave for the hospital wing soon," he said, his voice cracking.

"Is it really bad?"

He nodded again.

Thankfully, Sirius didn’t press the issue. He only hummed and stood. He retrieved a small box from his trunk and tossed it to the bed. A chocolate frog.

"Chocolate makes everything better," he said with a shrug. "It'll be waiting for you when you get back."

When Remus made his way to the shack that night, he was no longer bound by his anxiety. Instead, he was comforted knowing that regardless of how horrible his future full moons may be, he would never again have to face them alone.

***

Third Year

December 11, 1973 - Remus POV

I felt far too wretched to go to class that day. When I'd woken at dawn, I was laying naked in the snow. It was the first time I'd ever woken up outside the shack, even if I was only a few meters from it. My body ached from the transformation and I was wracked with chills. By the time I'd dressed, visited Pomfrey, and made it to the third year boys' dorm, it was all I could do just to fall onto my four-poster.

The boys were already stirring but thankfully kept the room quiet while they prepared for class. They had been extremely accommodating since I finally told them. I wish I'd known how they would react sooner. Maybe my first year wouldn't have been so miserable and lonely.

"Rough night?" James asked.

I sneezed loudly before nodding. I closed my eyes. My head was throbbing as if my brain had been jammed against the front of my skull. I blindly grabbed the corner of my sheet, pulling it over my shoulder. My every muscle was taught from the cold and I was starting to shiver.

"Are you ok?"

I cracked an eye to see Sirius staring down at me. His growing shaggy hair was hanging in his eyes but I could still see the concern they held. Behind him, James was also watching closely and Peter looked nervously at me while biting his thumbnail. Closing my eyes again, I mumbled a yes.

"He won't make it through class like this," Sirius said quietly. "You guys go on. Tell Slughorn we've caught a stomach bug or something."

Shortly after, the door opened and closed and the room was quiet. A pleasant, heavy warmth passed over me as a quilt was draped from my shoulders to my feet. Next, Sirius's cool hand was on my forehead.

"It was worse than usual this time," he observed.

"Yeah," I rasped before coughing a little. "Not like it's ever good though."

I followed the sound of his footsteps around the bed and felt his weight sink in near my feet. He propped his legs up on the mattress behind me. It was so quiet in the room, I could practically hear him thinking.

"Go ahead and ask it, whatever it is."

After a significant pause, Sirius spoke. "Does it hurt? When you change, I mean? Is it awful?"

"Every time," I said tiredly. "Just as much every time. My body never seems to get used to it. Do you think you could draw that curtain? The light is killing my head."

Even with closed eyes, with every pulse beat, it felt like somebody was taking an axe to my temple. The pain lessened slightly when the bed was put into further darkness.

"What's it like?" Sirius asked, sitting back again.

"I don't know, like my bones are breaking and healing and rebreaking over and over again. Like all my muscles are on fire, ripping clean off of my skeleton. Sometimes I get horribly dizzy. Disoriented. Enough to make me sick even."

I could feel Sirius shift so that he was laying down, his head by my feet.

"What about after you turn?"

"I don't remember," I yawned and pulled the covers tighter. "Thankfully."

"What, not at all? You go through all that, and nothing?" He pushed his legs under the blanket. I felt his warmth immediately and my frozen muscles finally started to relax.

"Nothing until I fully turn back. It's probably the only godsend to the curse of lycanthropy, even if that can be...worrisome sometimes."

"What do you mean?"

"Well," I searched for an example, "Ok, sure, it was terrifying when I was six years old and woke up covered in an animal's blood with no recollection of what happened, but I sincerely doubt I'd have been able to handle knowing what I'd actually done."

"Bloody hell," Sirius mumbled softly.

"And I might wake up with broken bones sometimes, but at least I don't have to hear the things snap."

"I had no idea it was that bad. I thought you just kind of ran around all night."

I chuckled humourously. If only that was all my nights consisted of.

"I try not to let it on. You guys shouldn't have to worry about it."

"Oh, that's bollocks, Remus," Sirius said rather hotly, nudging the back of my knee. "You're our friend. We want you to be alright. You'd want the same for us."

I fought another bout of powerful sneezes. "I suppose you're right," I conceded after calming.

"Well of course I am," he said matter-of-factly. "You should try to rest. Do you need anything else?"

I turned over my shoulder to look at Sirius. He had removed his tie and shoes, but otherwise looked very attentive and ready to do perform any needed task. This had actually become quite commonplace. While the others were helpful, they still kept a fair distance on my rough days as if they might catch something from me. Sirius wasn't afraid to get closer.

"Sirius?"

"Mm?" He looked at me.

"Why are you here?"

He laughed a little as if it were obvious. "Well you're pretty pathetic at the moment, wouldn't you agree? I'm making sure you get un-mopey as soon as possible. You're terrible when you're mopey."

"Oh ha-ha, you're so funny," I said dryly. "But really, you weren't as concerned when Peter had the flu in September. Or when James was ill after the Halloween feast."

Sirius pondered this for a moment.

"Sure. But Peter is a little helpless sometimes, isn't he? He's alright, but he can be too soft. I don't exactly feel the need to wait on someone hand and foot when they only have a case of the sniffles," he shrugged. "It's not like he felt like you do."

"And James?"

He laughed from deep in his chest. "He was ill because he ate too many sweets! Can you honestly see me taking care of that arse when he's brought it on himself? Certainly not! You know I love James as a brother. And so, as a brother should, I find that it is my duty when he is ill to stand idly by and make jokes at his expense." He smiled broadly at the thought. "No, I'll not be cleaning his spilled pumpkin pasties. He can take care of that himself."

I smiled as well before letting silence fall in the dim, curtained space. It was warm and comfortable with just me and Sirius, set apart from the rest of the world that was noisy and surely full of students bustling to class by now. I could feel my eyelids drooping.

"So then why with me? If I'm not too soft and I'm not your brother," I yawned, "what am I?"

"I dunno," Sirius said quietly. "You're Remus. You're special I guess."

I glanced to him. He was looking thoughtfully at the canopy above, his lips pulled to one side.

"Listen, Lupe? James and I have been talking, doing some research..."

"Yes?" I asked, rolling back over and closing my eyes. I was exhausted.

"We want to be able to help you with this. All of us...more than we can help you now....read that there may be a way....can pull it off, it will be very, very difficult..."

I mumbled in acknowledgement although I was fading quickly, only catching a few words here and there.

"..and it may not be exactly...well, legal...but it would let us go-" he stopped talking, probably aware that I was no longer fully awake. "We'll talk later," he said quietly, checking that I was fully covered by the quilt. "Rest now."

So I did.

At some point in the afternoon, I was sure I'd rolled to find him asleep rather close beside me, his head then on my pillow. The heat and weight of another's presence was surprisingly comforting and I promtly fell back asleep. I may have just dreamt it, but I was never to find out for sure because when I woke that evening, he'd gone.

***

Fourth Year

January 26, 1975

The Great Hall was especially boisterous that evening. Earlier in the day, the next Hogsmede trip had been announced. It would be in two weeks- the day after Valentine's Day. All the girls were giggling with each other, sneaking glances at boys they hoped would invite them to the village. Their male peers were slightly less enthused with some grumbles audible among the girls' high pitched chirps and trills. At the Gryffindor table, two fourth year boys contributed their groans.

"I hate this," Peter said dropping his spoon into his pudding. "Now everyone is going be expected to bring a date. And I'll never get one, of course."

James ruffled his hair. "Well, Peter, you do know that they don't just fall into your lap, don't you? That you actually have to ask in order to get a date?"

"Yes, _thank you_ , I know," Peter frowned. "But that's easier said than done. Especially for you guys. Girls like _you_."

He was right. James, Remus, and Sirius had all been rather blessed as they'd grown over the last year and there were many girls that had taken notice. Remus had reached a towering height during the summer and his shoulders had broadened substantially. And while his sandy curls and freckles were endearing to the girls, it was his mysterious scars that intrigued them most.

James had also grown tall, but with Quidditch training, he had filled out with lean muscle as well. In the privacy of their dormitories, girls would talk about how strong his jawline was and how they wanted to run their fingers through his untamable hair.

Sirius, while not as tall as Remus or as muscular as James, had developed his own charm about him. His wavy hair, which he now frequently wore pulled into a knot at the back of his crown, his always relaxed attire, and blasé attitude caused many younger and older girls alike to swoon.

Then there was poor Peter. He was still slightly overweight and underheight. He would be happy just to have a female acquaintance, even if only to be known as 'James's friend' or 'that other Gryffindor'. Unfortunately, as it was, the girls didn't even look at him. It was like he wasn't there at all.

"Well I, for one, agree that this is bollocks- you two ditching us," Remus brooded, waving his fork at Sirius and James. "What are we supposed to do while you two go..I don't know, do whatever you'll be doing with your dates?"

James laughed. "Well Pete can keep practicing for _Operation Transformation_ , and you can mope around. As for me and Sirius, we'll do whatever anybody does at _Elixir_." 

Remus groaned in disgust. 'Love's Elixir Tea Room' was a nauseating shop meant for young couples. Though it was called a Tea Room, the only thing that the patrons were interested in doing there was snogging. Everything inside was either pink, lace, or glittering and there were cherubs that flew around the ceiling tossing heart shaped confetti. It was run by a lovesick woman who, apparently, felt it to be her life's calling to give hormonal teenagers dark corners to abuse. Her daughter, Lorel Pudifoot, a third year Ravenclaw who was equally obsessed with love, had done well each year to explain the shop's appeal to her female peers.

Much like the rest of the boys, however, Remus did not like the idea of the shop and he certainly didn't like the idea of his friends going there.

"You don't even _like_ Emmeline, James," he pointed out.

"True, but I'm not letting Sirius here take Marlene on a promiscuous outing while I'm stuck dateless with you sods. He'd never let me live that down. No sir. I'll go with Emmeline."

"Oh how respectable," Remus said coolly.

Sirius chuckled at his friends and it did nothing to improve Remus's mood.

Sirius and Marlene had been an item since late December and it had been causing him to spend less time with the group. This bothered Remus, but there was something else about it that bothered him more deeply. It was something he couldn't quite pinpoint (or maybe even feel comfortable admitting to himself), but whatever it was, it put him a bit on edge when Marlene came up in conversation.

"You could take Evans," Sirius offered Remus hopefully. "She and Marlene are friends. We could all go together."

Peter, insulted, scoffed and aggressively turned his attention back to his pudding.

"I don't want to take _Lily_." Remus looked at Sirius with brows furrowed in disbelief at the suggestion.

"Oh come on! She's bookish and a little stuck up like you," James added smartly. "You'd get on just fine. Don't need to talk much, anyhow."

Remus shot him a scowl. "Unlike you, James, I actually have some decency and respect the girls here," he snapped. "And don't even act like Lily didn't shoot you down. We all know you asked her first."

James raised his eyebrows in surprise but otherwise kept cool. "Ooh. Someone's a bit grouchy today. What's wrong? A little itchy behind the ears?"

"Ok, that's enough, James. You know he gets a little tense before...you know..." Sirius said before looking around and lowering his voice. "The full moon is tomorrow."

Remus whipped his head to Sirius so quickly that his neck nearly cracked.

" _What?_ " He glared at his friend. "That is _not_ what this is about! It has nothing to do with that! I'm upset because you're...I don't know- I just wanted..." He huffed and stood from the table. "You know what, just forget it. Have fun with your dates. Peter and I will be just fine on our own."

Sirius grimaced guiltily under the sharp look he was receiving. And with that, Remus stomped from the Hall.

"Woah," Peter breathed after a moment.

"Why do you have to be a prat when you know how bad it gets for him before the moon?" Sirius asked James in a harsh whisper. He made a sound of disapproval and rose too. "I'd better go calm him down."

"Of course you'd better," James said rolling his eyes.

Sirius found Remus in the courtyard. His friend didn't seem to care that it was below freezing and snowing as he sat hunched on a bench, his bare hands resting in the snow on either side of his legs. Sirius stuffed his hands in his pockets and approached. 

"Do you mind?" Sirius asked, nodding to the empty space on the bench.

Remus just shrugged.

"Look, what I said in there about being tense...I just wanted to shut James up. I didn't mean anything by it," he said, taking a seat.

"I know," Remus grumbled.

"Good." 

After a long pause, Remus asked, "But why go to _Elixir_?"

Sirius laughed. "I don't know. That's just what I'm supposed to do, I think."

"Well, sure, if you like your date," Remus pouted before clearing his throat awkwardly. "Do you, erm, do you really like her then?"

"She's all right, I guess," Sirius answered quite unconvincingly.

"'All right'?" Remus repeated flatly.

"I mean she's as good a girl as any, right?"

"Oh that sounds _much_ nicer," Remus chuckled. "But wouldn't it be better if...if you dated someone who's really right for you?"

Sirius’s mouth twisted and he concentrated on scuffing the area beneath his feet free of snow, avoiding looking at Remus’s face.

"I don't think I'm going to find a girl that's right for me here.”

"You might. There are a lot of them." 

"Nah," Sirius said. He braved a brief glance at his friend before returning his attention to the snow. "They aren't right."

A selfish part of Remus was happy to hear this, though he'd never say so out loud. Maybe Sirius wouldn't be completely taken away from his friends now.

"Are you going to tell Marlene that? It's kind of cruel to lead her on, isn't it?"

"Nah, I think I'll ride it out for now. I'd hate to ditch her just before Hogsmede. And it'd be an awful thing to do to Emmeline," he laughed.

Remus nodded understandingly, but the unwelcome feeling in his gut, that unknown bother, had returned. "Well, don't forget about us, ok? We miss you."

Sirius raised his head looking equally confused and surprised. "I'd never forget about you. You guys wouldn't let me," he said, giving Remus's arm a nudge. "Now come on, let's get back inside before dessert disappears."

***

Fifth Year

October 20, 1975 - James POV

It had taken the better part of three years to research and achieve becoming Animagi. Sirius, Peter and I had read up on it for months and months before letting Remus know what we hoped to do. We were only forced to tell him during third year when it was time to begin the long and difficult process. I mean, we couldn't very well hold huge leaves in our mouths for a whole month without him taking note.

Of course, at first, he'd argued that it was ‘Dangerous and _irresponsible_ and _ILLEGAL!_ ’ but he had been easy to persuade. I think the prospect of having his friends there beside him during the worst part of his month was just too tempting.

So there we were, finally ready to spend our first full moon ever with Remus. We slipped from the castle while the rest of the students and staff had gone to dinner, carefully avoiding any rogue wanderers using our half completed map of the school. Sirius and I were huddled together under my dad's Invisibility Cloak. Wormtail was carried in my pocket since the cloak would not have covered mine and Sirius's height as well as Peter's width in human form. The sky was pink and the crisp autumn wind whistled around us as we hurried to meet Remus at the passage.

When we arrived at the Womping Willow, Wormtail immobilized it and the three of us eagerly climbed down into the dark. Remus was waiting for us there, having been dropped off by Pomfrey. He carried a small bundle and held a lantern for light. (It wouldn't have been safe for him to take his wand. The chance of it being broken or lost was too high, he'd explained.)

I looked around at the cool, earthy tunnel in awe. The tree roots hanging down above our heads seemed to move of their own accord in the flickering lantern light. It wasn't much, but it was still incredibly exciting.

The other two were looking, just as intrigued. I noticed that while the tallest of us had to hunch over, Peter was able to stand fully, craning his head back to see.

"This is wicked, Moony!" Sirius gaped. "Your own passage and everythi- Moony, what are you _wearing_?"

Peter and I also took notice. Instead of normal robes, Remus was standing in what looked like a white bed sheet that had been transfigured into something like a floor-length dressing gown. Incidentally, that was exactly what it was. We all laughed, Remus included.

"Well, sometimes the transformation happens before I'm ready," he said with a shrug. "And I've torn through a lot of good clothes over the years. So I change into these when I get here, they take the tears when I change, then I put my normal robes on in the morning." He lifted the bundle in his hand to show his robes wrapped up tightly.

"Why sheets?" Peter asked.

"Because a duvet would be ridiculous, obviously," I said, clapping Remus on the back in greeting.

"Castle has a lot of sheets," Remus explained simply. "We'd better be off. It will take a while to get there and we don't want to be stuck in here when I turn."

Peter paled. "That doesn't happen o-often, does it?"

"Hasn't happened yet, Wormtail," Remus laughed.

We set off into the tunnel, the dirt walls now lined with bricks. Thankfully, the ceiling soon raised enough for us to walk properly. We passed the first leg of our journey by critiquing and making jokes about Remus's fashion statement.

"A _wolf_ -HA!- A _wolf_ in _sheets clothing_!" Sirius wailed with laughter at his own joke.

As we delved deeper into the tunnel, I was falling behind, needing to constantly check that Peter wasn't getting lost on the straight path behind me. He was puffing heavily trying to keep up with the group.

Sirius, of course, was walking ahead near Remus. I trotted to catch up to the lantern light and their conversation. I could hear Peter scurry up as well.

"...She'll be alright. I think she may have a thing for Barnaby Ackles anyhow. Forget about me in no time," Sirius was saying, sounding quite relaxed.

"Who, Marlene?" I asked.

"Yep! Finally did it guys. I'm all yours again!" This last part, he said as he leapt onto Remus's back.

Remus laughed and repositioned himself but walked on with Sirius hanging onto his neck. 

I stifled a snort. I often wondered if Sirius knew how obvious he was. But then I also wondered how everyone else was still so oblivious.

"Yeah, it's over between me and Jenny Sinclair as well," Remus said.

"Oh but you've only been a thing for two weeks now!" I said, genuinely surprised by the news. "Had you even snogged yet?"

Sirius humphed quietly. I raised my eyebrows at him but he conveniently looked away.

Remus seemed deaf to both my question and Sirius's pout. Instead, he continued, "It was nice for a while, but it would have never worked out in the long run. I don't think she much liked you three always hanging around. She told me last week that she didn't really like her boyfriends having other boyfriends." He tutted. "And then there was last Thursday when you almost got her a detention, mixing her up in that fiasco of a prank you pulled dying the Hufflepuff Quidditch uniforms pink."

His voice held a tone of disapproval, but not a strong one. He was smiling despite himself.

"She should have considered it a duty- Nay!- an _honour_ to receive detention in attempts to carry that masterpiece to fruition!" I cried.

"She's _on_ the Hufflepuff team!" Remus chuckled.

"Well then, she obviously can't take a joke," I shrugged. "Seems to me like you dodged a Kedavra, Moony."

"I'll say!" Sirius agreed. He turned to me from his perch on Remus's back. "Speaking of Kedavras, Prongs, I notice Evans hasn't managed to kill or else otherwise maim you recently. How are endeavors with her going?"

"Swimmingly, Padfoot! When I asked her out last Friday, she only told me _three_ hexes she'd rather endure than share my company. And she's getting much less creative when telling me where to stick my wand."

"Good for you!" Remus called with a smile from the lead.

"At this rate," I said, "she'll say yes when I ask her to Slughorn's Christmas party!"

" _She's_ the one in the club," Peter interjected as he once again trotted to keep up. "Isn't she the one with the invitation to give?"

"Oh, Wormtail," Sirius sighed, jumping down from Remus when the ceiling began to swoop low. "Prongs here is being proactive. Assertive!"

"And it's really be a public service, keeping her away from Snivelus," I added.

"Here here!" Sirius said. "I second that!"

"Third!"

"Fourth!"

"Fifth!" I called. "Hey Moony, we almost there? My toes are going numb."

They really were. The tunnel was quite cold and the walk was much longer than I'd expected.

"Just up ahead now. We're right on schedule too."

We walked ten minutes more before the path began to climb upwards. Peter was falling further behind still. I looked back to find him nervously shaking.

"Erm...say, Moony, you're sure that when you, er...that when we get there...you- you won't attack us? You won't want to, erm...eat any of us?"

"Merlin's sake, Peter!" I cried. "Have a little faith in our friend here."

"Yeah, Wormtail, we have no reason to doubt Remus. Werewolves attack humans. As long as we aren't in human form, it's _fine_. We've gone over this."

Remus hadn't answered and he looked a little uncomfortable. They were valid questions after all. We knew he believed this would work, but none us truly knew for sure.

"Oh, well...well yes of c-course. I'm sorry, Moony, I-I just thought, erm...well yes," Peter stuttered before finally deciding it best to be quiet.

We finally reached the shack. After climbing out of the passageway, Remus set the lantern down in the corner of the living room we'd emerged in, throwing its contents into garish relief.

"Not long now," he said. His voice shook a little. I could tell he was extremely nervous. "Remember, be sure to get me in there by the end of the night to change back," he pointed to a doorway at the end of a short hall that branched off of the room, "and then get out. I don't want to take any chances and hurt anybody before I'm fully myself again."

"We could just wait in animal form until we're sure," Sirius suggested.

"No! No, I-I don't want to risk it," Remus said anxiously. "Please, just wait for me by the Willow."

Shrugging, Sirius, Peter, and I agreed.

While we waited for the turn, I observed the ruins we stood in. The shack was much more run down up close and much more demolished than I'd expected. Furniture pieces lay strewn about, clearly having been used as chew toys in the past, their stuffing scattered on the floor like snow. Chunks of walls and ceiling had been ripped out and scratched everywhere I looked. To my left was a cracked and warped, certainly unreliable, staircase. It was a wonder how this building still stood.

Suddenly, a high pitched whimper drew our attention back to Remus. His eyes were scrunched up and he was doubling over, dropping his bundle to the floor. Sirius started forward but I held him back.

"Change!" Remus panted before crying out again in misery.

But we were frozen, completely immobilised. We could see ribs popping in and out of their normal position under his skin and robe. He grabbed at his stomach violently, stumbling to the side a few steps before colliding with the wall. He groaned terribly.

"Y-you're not going to be s-sick, Moony, are y-you?" Peter squeaked.

"Oh give it a rest, Pe-!" Sirius started but was cut off by a bone chilling growl that came from our crumpled friend.

"Change! NOW!" Remus bellowed before his face started lengthening, forming a vicious snout. He thrashed and the sheets he wore started to rip, revealing patches of thick fur that were rapidly covering his body.

We did not need telling a third time. An instant later, we stood a stag, a dog, and a rat. It wasn't long after that- and after hearing the most horrific noises of anguish and rage from my friend- that a full werewolf stood panting in front of us, his deep, rumbling growl audible when he exhaled.

This was the moment of truth. Would the beast attack? Engage us? Or simply be unbothered by our presence?

I could see Wormtail quivering and hear his terrified squeaks beside me. I hoped my own fear was not as visible. I nearly leapt out of my hooves when Padfoot barked from my other side.

I gave him the most incredulous look I could manage as he sat wagging his tail, panting happily at Moony, but he didn't notice me. In a flash of dark fur, he was across the room, jumping and nipping playfully at the werewolf. I held my breath for a long moment hoping my friend wouldn't be eaten before my eyes. 

But then, skipping and shuffling just as eagerly, (albeit more roughly,) Moony began to play as well. It was not a sight I'd soon forget.

In only a few minutes time, our impossible pack was bounding across the grounds of Hogwarts- Moony and Padfoot jumping over and off of each other, Wormtail clinging to my back- as if nothing in the world was more natural.

***

Seventh Year

May 23, 1978 - Sirius POV

Prongs, Wormtail, and I herded Moony back to the shack after a night of prowling the moonlit grounds. Since he had become more tame with our company over the years, we now easily managed to get him to the small bedroom that held his spare clothes. As always, we'd been instructed to leave him there just before sunrise and wait for him at the Willow. He never wanted us there for his transformation back into human form. And we hadn't been. Not for over two and a half years. On this morning, however, I just couldn't bring myself to go.

It was our last night at Hogwarts. Not the last night at school, but _our_ last night. The last full moon before we graduated. Who knew what Remus would do once he had to move on from this protection Dumbledore had provided him? For that matter, who knew what any of us would do?

It was time to face facts. Once we left Hogwarts, we wouldn't get to be careless children anymore. There was a war going on. We would finally have to grow up. But I couldn't do that yet- not with what was weighing so heavily on my mind.

Knowing this was our last night- my last chance- I had to talk to him.

The massive stag and the rodent that sat atop him turned to me at the shack's passageway entrance, silently asking why I wasn't following. Looking to Prongs, I sat straight and raised my snout high in the air, giving a small huff. The buck looked briefly to the room we'd left Moony in and then back to me. He dipped his head low in acknowledgement before carrying the squeaking rat into the underground tunnel.

Though he'd always left it unspoken, I was sure James knew. He knew me too well not to realise. In fact, he'd probably figured it out long before I had. He probably understood why, in first year, I never liked teasing Remus the same way I did everyone else. Why I started blushing more and getting sweaty around him when we were thirteen. Why, no matter how much I tried, Marlene never meant a thing to me. Why holding her hand never made my heart beat fast like it did when Remus made a joke and bumped into my shoulder.

Yes, I was certain James knew, and I'd forever be thankful he never used that knowledge to taunt me.

Once alone, I transformed from the dog on the floor and stood, readjusting my clothing. I could hear another transformation beginning in the room down the hall. I winced as rough barks and moans sounded through the ajar door. There were noises of scratching and the splintering of wood before suddenly, the animal yelps changed. Now it was the sound of my friend's deep voice crying out and gasping in agony.

I swept silently to the doorway, pushing into the room. The sight stopped me in my tracks. 

Deep, jagged claw marks marred the wood and plaster of the walls. On the far wall, beside a cracked, filthy window, the two most vicious scratches led down from the ceiling to where my friend's fingers still lay buried in the grooves. From behind, I watched the angles of his body snapping and reshaping, each time leaving a smaller figure behind. Chunks of matted fur and split flesh fell heavily from his back and limbs.

The cries continued echoing around the room, each one tearing fiercely at my heart, until at last, there was a familiar form in front of me. With a final, rather painful looking crack of his spine, he was human.

Panting and whimpering slightly, Remus clutched the wall before him for support. Even from where I stood, I could tell he was fighting to stay upright. Under a thick sheen of perspiration, every muscle in him was tight and quivering.

I took two quiet steps towards him before stopping again. Truth and reality dealt a blow to my gut when I saw his flesh in the breaking daylight. I now understood why Remus didn't want us to see this. I also understood why he never swam with us, never undressed in front of us. Why he always wore long clothing, even in the summer.

From head to toe, his body was covered with scars from cuts of all shapes, sizes, and depths. Around his calves were countless healed puncture wounds from when he'd bitten his own legs as a child. There were many scars from his claws trailing the sides of his back in sets of four. The worst was a deep set that led from his ribs to the middle of his right buttock in a large crescent shape.

Remus finally released the wall, swaying a bit as he stood on his own. When I moved to help him, the warped floorboards beneath me alerted him of my presence. He whipped around and stumbled backwards, his eyes widening with horror. Instead of trying to cover his nakedness, his hands flew to hide his scars. But of course there were too many. His hands kept shifting over his body, trying to cover them all. Eventually they landed on a large dark one at his left shoulder.

" _NO!_ " He cried. "No! You're not supposed to be here! You _can't_ \- Sirius, _no!_ "

I was struck by how desperate he sounded, his voice quavering like he was close to tears.

"You're not supposed to see me like this! You shouldn't- Please, just go!" He pled, trying to move into the shadows of the room’s corner.

He sounded so miserable, like my presence was causing him pain.

"Remus," I said confusedly as I approached him. "Remus, don't-"

"I told you not to be here when I turn back! You aren't supposed to _see_ this!"

At this point, he may have actually been crying, but it was hard to tell with him sweating as he was. I touched his arm and spoke gently to try and calm him.

"Remus, there's nothing wrong with this. You've told us before how you've attacked yourself. I don't understand why you'd hide this from us. It's _fine_."

"It is not!" He moaned. Dropping his gaze to the floor, he sighed and spoke quietly, "It's hideous. Sirius...Sirius, you weren't supposed to see me like this."

"Why not?" I reached up to push the drenched curls from his eyes and wipe the sweat from his brow.

"Because," it was barely a whisper, "it's _you_."

That was it. It wasn't a grand statement, but it was all I needed to hear. We'd danced around each other for years, never asking, never telling, never confirming. But there, in a rundown shack, in the first light of dawn, three words had told me everything. Remus felt for me what I felt for him.

He braved a glance up to me, his eyes filled with worry.

"Then you needn't have kept yourself hidden. You should know it doesn't matter." I let my hand rest over one of his. "Because it _is_ me. And you...there is nothing that could ever make you hideous to me."

Remus studied me warily for a moment, clearly unsure if he should trust what I'd said. 

"Don't tease me, Sirius. I don't think I can bear that."

"I swear it's the truth."

"But you- then, why-?" he sputtered, "Marlene?"

"No." I shook my head. "No."

My eyes dropped to where my hand held onto his. In the growing light, I could see more of the dark markings he couldn't completely cover. Gently, I urged his hands away. It wasn't without hesitation or resistance, but slowly, he lowered them.

I wasn't able to catch my gasp and I'm sure he could see the horror on my face, even if only for a second, but he didn't hide himself again. In fact, as he dropped his hands completely, he stood a little taller, almost defiantly.

It was where he'd been bitten. The place this curse had been bestowed upon him years and years ago.

The scar was a deep ring starting far below his collarbone and circling around the back of his shoulder. The skin was uneven, telling me it hadn't been a quickly acquired wound. On the contrary, it looked like his flesh had been bitten into slowly- gnawed on by the teeth of the monster.

There were garish, puckered spots where healers had repeatedly and unsuccessfully tried to close the wound with magic. There were also places that the skin was taught and shined where Remus's body had grown and stretched the tissue.

"Remus..." I whispered, my voice pained. It was indeed horrible, but not in the way he thought. It didn't change how I saw him for the worse. Instead, it showed me how much he'd been through and overcome. I'd never admired him as much as I did then.

Before I could stop myself, my fingertips were making contact with the mark. Remus flinched, but still didn't pull away. I took another step closer, much closer to his face than I would usually allow myself.

"See?" He asked, his chin jutting out, challenging me to say my worst. "It's awful."

I didn't have any words to offer him, though. With a brief shake of my head, I pulled him into an embrace, my hand reaching up the back of his neck and into his wet locks. I rested my cheek against the angry bite, holding him tightly. He stood stiffly at first, perhaps surprised by the gesture, but then relaxed against me. Letting out a deep breath, he murmured a thank you.

I surprised even myself by turning my face to kiss his shoulder before pulling back to see him. He was haloed by the golden light coming through the window. His eyes jumped back and forth as they looked into mine.

He was scared. I could feel it in his heartbeat pounding rapidly against my chest. Truth be told, I was scared too, but that didn't keep me from doing what I had imagined doing for too long.

Pulling myself closer, I placed my lips on his. One of us made a sound of contentment but I couldn't confidently tell you who.

After a minute of fumbling, Remus broke away. "I don't think I'm very good at this," he breathed, bashfully rubbing the back of his neck. "I've never kissed someone before."

"It's ok," I laughed. "I've never kissed someone I liked."

We wouldn't return to school for our classes that day. Instead, we stayed in the room, giving ourselves time to be with each other completely. We showed how we felt in any way we could, saying and doing what we'd always been too scared to. It was our own perfect day away from the rest of the world. A day we would surely keep forever.

***

October 31, 1981 - Remus POV  
9:37 p.m.

I stood quietly at the window of my flat, absentmindedly rubbing my shoulder as the light snow fell. On the darkened streets below, few people wandered with cautious gaiety to or from their Hallowe'en gatherings. I envied those who, even in the thickness of the war, were making efforts to come together for something good. I did not have such luxuries and on this night, I had nothing to celebrate.

What I did have were four friends. Four friends that I missed dearly.

I hadn't seen Prongs and Lily in weeks. I wondered every day how baby Harry was doing- if he was tottering across the floor in his snitch covered pajamas or drooling on his father as he slept. I wondered if he looked different than he did the last time I'd seen him. But wonder was all I could do now.

I hadn't been told their latest place of hiding. I wasn't trusted with the information- not since Sirius had begun to suspect me as a spy for the dark. Not since he'd shared his suspicions with others in the Order.

He didn't say it to my face, but he didn't need to. It was in the way he looked at me coldly while others skirted around, acting overly polite in attempts to seem normal. It was in the way he spoke in hushed voices when I was nearby. The way he didn't touch me anymore, _talk_ to me anymore. For the life of me, I didn't understand what I had done to lose his trust.

I had one theory it had something to do with the fact I'd lately been keeping more than casual company with Emmeline Vance, but I wouldn't have thought that would upset him so. Sirius and I had decided not to pursue a relationship with each other until the war was over- decided together! On that afternoon in May in that blasted shack! We both knew it would be dangerous and we couldn't afford any distractions or liabilities, which is exactly what we'd have been given how deeply we cared for each other. It was dangerous then and it would be especially dangerous now with the Potters' safety at stake...

Another part of me, (one I tried my hardest to ignore,) suspected that Sirius had finally seen the monster hiding inside me as evil and thought I’d be tempted to join He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named because of it. It would be natural, after all, for one monster to seek another monster's darkness to follow; though, I truly wanted to believe he saw me as more than that.

Regardless of his reasoning, Sirius no longer looked at me lovingly. Now, he looked skeptically, as if waiting for me to suddenly attack. After everything we'd been through together- after everything _he'd_ been through for _me_ \- those looks he gave broke my heart. It only hurt more that he'd somehow managed to convince the others too.

I had become so far removed from everyone, I hadn't even seen Peter in quite some time. I felt guilty not being able to be there for poor Wormtail. The war had been particularly taxing on him. He had never been brave. He wasn't meant to be a soldier. I'd gathered from Emmeline that he'd been scarce recently, probably hiding away, wishing the war would just end.

I wished it too, for I missed my friends dearly.

"Come to bed, Remus," Emmeline said, wrapping her arms around me from behind.  
I could have, but it'd have been pointless. I often couldn't sleep. Instead, I would lay staring at the ceiling for the majority of the night, wondering if everyone was safe. It was a rarity that I slept before twilight.

When I didn't answer, Emmeline sighed. "They _know_ you. They'll come around soon. You'll see."

***  
November 1, 1981 - Remus POV  
9:37 a.m.

"Remus!"

A frantic voice stirred me from my sleep.

"Remus, wake up! Something's happened!"

I opened my eyes to find Emmeline standing over me, her face grief stricken and tear stained.

And then my world crumbled.

I'd been through over fifteen years of transformations. Over fifteen years of episodes wrought with sickening, crippling pain, but every ounce of that pain combined still would not have come close to the agonous torture I felt when she told me.

Sirius had given James and Lily up? How could he have?

In a span of mere hours, three of my best friends had died. Been _murdered_. And the last, who I thought I knew best...he had betrayed them all. Their blood stained his hands as well did the blood of twelve innocent Muggles.

My friends- my _family_ \- all dead or captured. I was vaguely aware that I would never see any of them again...

It wasn't real! I stood quickly from the bed. I had to go to someone, demand something! But an odd, fuzzy ringing filled my ears and I slumped to the floor. I couldn't breathe. Couldn't make sense of the world. It was all backwards and in another language.

Everything was over. Gone.

I doubled over, yelling something inhuman. Emmeline wisely kept her distance.

Sirius wouldn't. He _couldn't!_ James was his brother! And he loved little Harry more than imaginable. I refused to believe that he had done this. There must've been some other explanation nobody had discovered. Why else would he have been so cautious? Why would he have thought that _I_ was-?

Then it hit me. I finally understood the motive behind his actions as of late. It was so obvious in hindsight. He had put suspect on me so no one would think to look to him. I was sure of it. Let everyone keep their eyes peeled for any wrongdoing on my part and be oblivious to any on his.

My blood boiled with the realisation. I stayed paralyzed on the floor, my hands clutched tightly.

Suddenly, the memories of my past feelings for him- any of love, trust, or friendship- were too distant to recall. How could I have ever cared for someone capable of such destruction?

The only thing I felt for him then was contempt.

***  
November 11, 1981

The week and a half that passed after the attack at Godric's Hollow had been the worst in Remus Lupin's life. He attended funerals he never hoped to attend, and while speakers spoke of his friends in the past tense, his mind was filled with thoughts of a future without them. Plans of growing older together were squandered. Even little Harry was sent off to Lily’s family. Remus would grow old alone.

After the services, Order members had offered their condolences, but he had no interest in them. He didn't need pity. He needed for this not to have happened.

The one sentiment Remus did appreciate was an offer from Albus Dumbledore. The old wizard knew how devastating the loss had been. He offered his former pupil a brief residency in the shack he knew so well. It would give him solitude and a safe place to spend the next full moon. Remus had immediately accepted, thankful to be able to withdraw from everyone.

His isolation effectively ended his relationship with Emmeline and strained his other friendships, but it didn't matter. He was so low that he would have happily invited death to take him to his fallen friends. Of course, fate was never so generous.

Now, on the night of the full moon, Remus stood in front of a second story window looking over the grounds of Hogwarts. Since arriving at the shack, he had purposefully avoided the bedroom downstairs he'd once used for transforming. He refused to open himself up to memories of the day he'd spent there with Sirius or to any possible doubts about what exactly happened on Halloween.

The night sky was at its darkest. The moon would rise any minute and for the first time ever, Remus Lupin was ready. He welcomed his monster. He longed for a reprieve- just a few hours of not knowing what was happening. While days had passed in a blur for others after the war's end, Remus had been devastatingly aware of every moment and he remembered them well. Every minute he sat in turmoil and confusion plagued him. He was ready to escape it all.

Fortunately, the hair at the nape of his neck suddenly bristled- a sign that he would soon turn. He undressed silently and laid the clothes neatly on the small, tattered cot where he slept. With deep breaths, he made his way downstairs, careful not to let his eyes wander down the short hallway that branched off of the living room. If he looked, he knew he would see: sunshine and two careless boys in a loving embrace. He couldn't bear that.

When he reached the bottom of the steps, moonlight had just begun to trickle through the window pane. Grasping the stair railing, he fought back a painful yelp as it started. He rapidly shifted forms, bones cracking and popping loudly.

"Come on out," he growled to himself through gritted teeth. "Come ON!" He roared before his head snapped back in transformation.

As he jerked it to the side, the last thing he was aware of seeing before squeezing his eyes shut was the closed door to the small bedroom.

His razor sharp claws dug into the banister wood causing it to crack.

Suddenly, in his mind, Remus saw himself and his friends as children, laughing and running across the school grounds, their school robes billowing behind them.

_"Hurry Lupe!" James laughed. "Loser is a slimy dugbog!"_

He gnashed his pointed teeth several times as his jaw lengthened.

_A twenty one year old Remus entered the room behind Sirius and Peter to find James and Lily seated on the bed, proudly holding their newborn son._

__

__

_"This is your new family, Harry," Lily cooed down to the pudgy pink bundle in her arms._

A guttural bark escaped him, ringing deafeningly through the still air.

_Sirius's hands wove deftly into Remus's wet curls, pulling his mouth deeper into the kiss. They panted, smiling against each other._

His black eyes snapped open. Giant paws ripped the banister off its supports, leaving it in nothing but splintered shreds. The beast's chest heaved with rage.

_"Well, don't forget about us, ok? We miss you."_

__

__

_"I'd never forget about you." Young Sirius's cheeks were bright pink as snow blew wispily around the courtyard. "You guys wouldn't let me."_

The monster's elongated hind legs pushed hard off of the floor, launching it heavily towards the room, but everything moved in slow motion. All was quiet except for the blood pulsing through its wolf-like ears.

_"So we wait?" Sirius asked, subtly wiping the corner of his eye._

__

__

_"We wait," Remus sighed._

_The two Gryffindors lay atop a dusty old bed, warmed by the afternoon sunlight streaming through the shack's window panes. Sirius mapped Remus's forearm, his fingers lightly tracing the raised scars._

_"All right. But you have to promise me you won’t forget this. Us," Sirius said sadly._

_"Don't be ridiculous. Today with you has been one of the best days I've ever had. I'll never forget this. Not one detail of it, I promise," Remus answered gently. "It's just not safe right now. And if we're going to join the Order, it will only get worse. You know that."_

_"I know," Sirius agreed. "But it'll be much harder to stay away now that I know how good a kisser you are. After a little practice, at least," he tried to laugh but failed._

_"Hey," Remus soothed, tipping the other boy's head up to look at him. "Do you trust me?"_

_"Completely."_

_"Then know I'll always be here for you. No matter what. And someday, this war will be over."_

_"Then we'll have our chance," Sirius resolved with a small smile. "We'll have our family and each other. Someday..."_

_"Someday," Remus repeated, "everything will be right."_

The beast roared furiously, drawing back a paw. It swiped forward with claws outstretched, blowing the door from its hinges and into countless shards.

Finally, there was nothing but the darkness, and Remus Lupin, far from the terrors of the world, was free.

**Author's Note:**

> Characters belong to JKR.  
> Story based on book information.
> 
> Hope you all made that jump from love to betrayal with me! The canon story makes a pretty dramatic leap as well, just without touching on any kind of {obvious} love story. Doesn't explain much, so I figured jealousy and doubts may have started the fissure between them.  
> I’m sorry for this story being such a bummer. Please forgive me XX
> 
> (Also, I have a smutty chapter in the works that didn’t feel quite right with the flow of the story, but let me know if there’s any interest for that. I may add it as a separate chapter.)


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